Canadians are everywhere (kind of). There are at least 15 of us in Hollywood. And as a resident insecure-middle-child who has lived in the shadow of her cooler siblings — it is my actual sworn DUTY, to compare and rank everything, all the time.
Today, we'll be ranking our home's most famous celebs on who would be the worst to date.
See if you can guess #1.
Keanu Reeves
Starting with a softball. No controversy here. We all love Keanu. Especially Sad Keanu. He makes us happy.
Keanu is the Sandra Bullock of male celebrities, which is why Speed (1994) is so good. Two icons on one bomb-strapped bus.
Green Flag: Keanu is currently dating an age-appropriate woman
Red Flag: His hair may be longer than yours
City of Origin: Toronto, ON
Pamela Anderson
Ya. Ya. Get your mind out of the gutter! Is Pamela Anderson a babe? 100%. And even though I loved Baywatch as much as the next guy — what made me really fall in love with Pamela was her Netflix doc, With Love, Pamela.
She's a salt-of-the-earth, Vancouver Island gal. For a good chunk of the documentary, she's barefoot, makeup-free, just prancing around her tranquil Canadian farm. I didn't know much about Pam until this doc. She's had a roller coaster of a life, but despite it all still completely believes in love.
Green Flag: Will get married after 96 hours if it feels right
Red Flag: She's reportedly dated Liam Neeson, so you'll have to use a special set of skills to beat him out
City of Origin: Ladysmith, B.C.
Seth Rogen
YVR's finest. Seth is obviously hilarious. Superbad is Mean Girls for men. He would obviously be extremely fun to date —especially if you like drugs. And by drugs, I mean weed. Which isn't even really a drug anymore?
Green Flag: The aforementioned funny bone... and weed
Red Flag: Is now becoming a serious actor, so may develop a bad personality
City of Origin: Vancouver, B.C.
Shania Twain
I could be freshly dumped, WEEPING on my bathroom floor, and if I heard "let's go girls" — I'd blink and find myself in a roadside saloon line dancing in a cowboy hat and leopard hot shorts.
Shania is that BISH. She is 60 years old. She looks 16. She's Canada's J-LO, but more down to earth (no shade, Jenny). We know you were on the block, but Shania was helping her family pay bills at eight years old by singing in bars until 1 a.m. She has a wild story (look it up).
Green Flag: She was born in Canada's most roasted town: Windsor, Ontario. If she can survive that, she can survive anything
Red Flag: She's not much impressed by Brad Pitt. 1997 Brad Pitt. Be warned: there will be hula hoops to jump through. And they will have rings of fire around them
City of Origin: Windsor, ON
Ryan Gosling
I shouldn't say it, but I'm going to say it — this one is a pander. I'm not a huge Ryan Gosling gal, and I didn't find Barbie funny or moving. For me, it was the worst of both worlds. I know. I suck. Take your hate to the comments. I could use the post interaction for my metrics.
That said, Ryan Gosling seems to be a loyal husband and good father. Do I know him personally? Yes (if personally means I do not know him at all). Do I reserve the right to make these assessments? Not at all. Will I do so anyway? Yes. Will I stop asking unnecessary questions? Probably not.
Green Flag: Wore his wife's name on a necklace to a movie premiere
Red Flag: Was in the Barbie movie
City of Origin: London, ON
Neil Young and Joni Mitchell
These two are a package deal. I don't know why. They are somehow the same person to me. And polyamory is a super hot topic right now, so for all my progressives: this one's for you.
For all my conservatives — take your hate to the comments. It's really good for my metrics.
Green Flag: Neil Young refused to have his music on Spotify, and Joni Mitchell has amazing hair
Red Flag: They are both cooler than you, and you can't do anything about it
City of Origin: Toronto, ON and Fort Macleod, AB
Rachel McAdams
I had to Google to make sure Regina George was actually Canadian. I don't like it when Americans who have an uncle in New Brunswick, who are pretty sure they're eligible for third-generation citizenship, claim Canadian heritage — Madonna, I'm looking at you.
McAdams? I am not looking at you. Rachel put in a solid 18-year shift in London, Ontario. She was also supposed to take cultural studies at Western University, but fate had other plans. It was The Notebook. The other plans were The Notebook. A real Sophie's choice.
Green Flag: She seems like she goes to therapy
Red Flag: She wants a white house with blue shutters, and in this economy, she is getting a condo with a view of the parking lot
City of Origin: London, ON
The Weeknd
Right, now we're cooking with gas. The Weeknd, aka Abel Tesfaye. He's also trying to be an actor as of late, and regarding that endeavour, I really hope he's not doing his best.
I don't trust people with stage names. Why? You were given a name at birth. Let's not try to reinvent the wheel here. Still. I think The Weeknd has some sexy songs. Which makes me think he's probably got a twinkle in his eye and could do a not-too-shabby wine and dine.
Green Flag: Raised by his Grandmother
Red Flag: Can't spell his own name
City of Origin: Toronto, ON
Jim Carrey
Let me start by saying Jim Carrey is a comedic genius. However, he's found himself here because he's a known "method" actor. And as much as I love DUMB AND DUMBER, that isn't the guy I'd want shouldering me through an unforeseen terminal illness, should it come for me.
Green Flag: He's French-Canadian
Red Flag: He's French-Canadian
City of Origin: Newmarket, ON
Shawn Mendes
I'm not going to call Shawn Mendes Justin Bieber 2.0.
He's Justin Bieber 2.0.
Listen, Shawn with a "W" was after my time. However, I had a younger cousin who was obsessed with him, and so I know a lot about Shawn Mendes against my will.
I was coerced into watching his Netflix documentary Shawn Mendes: In Wonder. It was so boring. He has no trauma. He's just a regular dude who has a good relationship with his family. And as we all know, that does NOT make for an exciting love affair.
Green Flag: His parents are still together
Red Flag: He's friends with his on-again-off-again ex (Camilla Cabello)
City of Origin: Pickering, ON
Céline Dion
Céline Dion, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You have accents in your name, and that is already too high maintenance for me. I have typed your name twice, and I will never type it again.
You can obviously spit bars and are Canada's Mariah Carey, but Miss Thing — accents aside, I know you just a little too bougie. I believe in my heart you have never had a chicken wing. And at this point in your career, nor should you.
Green Flag: Dated an old man — for LOVE
Red Flag: Sings unprompted (I know this from interviews)
City of Origin: Charlemagne, QC
Ryan Reynolds
Controversial and divisive. Just how I like it. Shockingly, the It Ends With Us drama has nothing to do with this ranking.
I was never a big Ryan Reynolds gal. Even though he went to high school down the street from where I grew up, I felt no special connection. All my friends had him as their BlackBerry screensaver.
If you find this #4 ranking of Ryan Reynolds wildly offensive, just know that my celeb crush growing up was Christopher Plummer. Who, for context, was 79 years old when Reynolds was filming The Proposal. So take this ranking in stride.
Green Flags: Most relatable superhero
Red Flags: One of his wife's dragons
City of Origin: Vancouver, B.C.
Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne was a very cool 16-year-old. However, I do not trust child stars or people over the age of 30 with neon streaks in their hair, which is why Avril has found herself here.
Green Flag: Was married to Chad Kroeger
Red Flag: Probably peaked in high school
City of Origin: Belleville, ON
Drake
I know this one is gonna ruffle some feathers as Drake is arguably the President of Canada. And honestly? To his credit, he's not one of those Canadian celebs who got famous, moved to the U.S., and never came back. He is unfortunately still extremely present in this country.
This guy lives and breathes Toronto. The 6ix, dare I say. He even has good sportsmanship. Yes, The Weeknd (see #8), could be his rival, but instead they have formed some Toronto-rapper-brotherhood. I don't need to explore further than this sentence.
The main reason Drake is ranked my #2 worst-to-date is that he may very well be the most dramatic man in this country. Perhaps #2 on this continent. I will never get over that one video of him after his post-Kendrick Lamar rap battle smackdown.
At his own concert, Drake emerged from a cloud of smoke into the crowd. His arms are outstretched. He's wearing a bulletproof vest. Eight shotgun sounds fire. Drake's body convulses. He is knocked to the ground. Are these real bullets? No. These are metaphorical bullets. From the ground he rises again. The crowd goes wild.
Green Flag: Has a collection of Birkin Bags for his future wife (it's giving dying alone, but ok)
Red Flag: He threw himself a Bar Mitzvah at 31 years old
City of Origin: Toronto, ON
Justin Bieber
I'm not even gonna pretend I understand whatever the f*ck goes on in JB and Hailey B's relationship. I don't know why he walks 40 feet in front of her and only wears sweats. All I know is JB's fans are adult women who have not moved on from the time he dated Selena Gomez. Which, for context, would have been around the same time he had the mop top and a full-page poster spread in Tiger Beat magazine.
Their obsession with JB and his relationship with his only ex-girlfriend is too high-maintenance to navigate. I literally cannot imagine being Hailey Bieber. I would take my child support and go.
No, the adult Beliebers have not moved on. But also, neither has he. And neither has his wife. And now, because of the way my Instagram algorithm has rage-baited me into their never-ending drama, NEITHER HAVE I. I think that, just as we needed to leave Britney alone, we need to leave these three alone.
As far as I'm concerned, Benny Blanco does not even qualify for this love triangle.
Green Flag: Good at busking. Child labour survivor. Offspring would have a strong work ethic.
Red Flag: Probably still likes his high school ex GF's posts
City of Origin: Stratford, ON
Still, one question remains. Who is the #1 best Canadian celeb to date of all time? Well, that could only be one man. And I'll give you a hint... all you need to figure it out is to look at this photograph.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
This article was originally published on Narcity.com
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Lindt’s Digital GOLD BUNNY Hide & Seek game.Courtesy of Lindt Canada